The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling
#learningIsAGift ?
#rituals of #theBeautifulJourney 
Let’s see some ideas from Edgar Schein’s book Humble Inquiry – The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling.
In a world of Do & Tell, Edgar is proposing Humble Inquiry as a form of communication. Yet asking (good) questions can be harder than just telling people what to do. Questions …
- can make us feel vulnerable and at risk (particularly in contexts where not enough trust is established)
- can be used as a form of feedback e.g. reveal a blind spot to someone
- can help us discover and understand more about the people and the world around us
Now here are some of my notes from the book:
In your own cultural environment, how did you know whether or not you could trust each other and the boss?
- Know the range of diverse rules so you can base your exploration of where there might be common ground that everyone can commit to
Trust, in the context of a conversation, is believing that the other person will …
- acknowledge me
- not take advantage of me
- nor embarrass or humiliate me
- tell me the truth
- not cheat me
- work on my behalf
- support the goals we have agreed to
Acknowledgement is more than good manners, tact and etiquette, is the very basis of society.
- We trust that we will be acknowledged as fellow humans and that our presented self will be affirmed.
- If I see someone I know, we make eye contact, I smile, and the other person shows no sign of recognition, I feel that something is amiss. I have not been recognised or acknowledged.
Feedback – The contortions we go through to get feedback mirror …
- the cultural restrictions on not telling others face to face what we really think of them
- the degree to which we are afraid to offend or humiliate
- the fear of licensing others to then tell us about our own flaws, risking losing our own self-esteem
My purpose defines the task and the situation I want to create. When others join, ask …
- What is it we are here to do?
- What is our role in the situation?
- What do we expect of each other?
- What kind of relationship is this to be?
- Instrumental relationships (task oriented) – one person needs something specific from the other person.
- Expressive relationships (person oriented) – driven by personal needs to build the relationship because one or both of the people involved are beginning to like the other.
The path to Humble Inquiry
Observation
- We do not think and talk about what we see; we see what we are able to think and talk about.
- Remember …
- your observation might be distorted by your nervous system filtering data based on prior experiences and what you hope to achieve
- the defence mechanisms of denial and projection
- impulsiveness – acting on impulses that are not consciously understood is what causes difficulty
Unlearning and New Learning
- For humble inquiry – unlearn the habits of Telling
- Survival anxiety – if we don’t learn the new behavior, we are at a disadvantage. Provides motivation.
- Learning anxiety – Causes resistance to change due to realising it might be a difficult process, we don’t want to go through the period of incompetence while we learn, our friends might not understand or welcome our new behaviour.
- Reduce learning anxiety – by receiving guidance, coaching, opportunities for practice.
Slow down and vary the pace
- adapt to yourself and others
Reflect and ask yourself Humble Inquiry questions
- We won’t know when it is essential to be humble and when it is appropriate to tell unless we get better at assessing the nature of the situation we are in, what the present state of our relationships with others is, and, most important, what is going on in our own head and heart.
- This reminds me of a few of Weinberg’s “rules” for giving/receiving feedback as an art:
- I must take care of myself, because if I’m off center, my feedback will be contaminated.
- I must feel in control of me in the situation, because otherwise my feedback will be struggling to get me in control. “In control of me in the situation” does not mean being in control of you. Being in control of me means that I am not under compulsion – I know I have the choice of giving/not giving or receiving/not receiving feedback.
- I must be devoid of judging, because judging is unlikely to be well received.
- I must be observant, so that my feedback follows verifiable observations, not speculations.
- I must be clear and not contribute to the many potential sources of misunderstanding.
- I must be flexible, rather than always using the same approach – able to reframe my feedback into a form you can understand and accept.
- Questions to ask oneself:
- What is going on here?
- What would be the appropriate thing to do?
- What am I thinking and feeling and wanting?
- On whom am I dependent? (for this task)
- Who is dependent on me?
- With whom do I need to build a relationship in order to improve communication?
Become more mindful
- Our tendency to leap to judgements prevents us from reflecting on the data we receive.
- Ask oneself
- What else is happening?
Try innovating and engaging the artist within you
- go to the theatre, visit a museum
- above all, travel
- see more ideas in Pragmatic Thinking & Learning – by Andy Hunt
Review and reflect on your own behaviour after an event
- Reminded me of Weinberg’s “If you never have 2 minutes to yourself, you’ll never extract illumination from feedback.”
Become sensitive to coordination needs in your work
- recognise the degree of interdependence between people/departments and actively coordinate and collaborate with each other
As a leader, build relationships with your team members
- Recognise when/if you need to do this
- Leaders to discover their dependence on their subordinates and embrace Here-and-Now Humility
Build “cultural islands”
- Cultural island – informal environment in which you will attempt to suspend some of the cultural rules referring to authority and trust relationships
- If I am about to make a mistake, will you tell me?
- What do we need to do differently to get to that point of perpetual, mutual help?
Until next time … Happy questioning!
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